Our Story - Part IV: After Happily Ever After

What happens after happily ever after, anyways?

So there we were, two months into our marriage, and pregnant again. I was at first shocked at those two little lines appearing once again. Then came the excitement. We were married this time and we were pregnant! I couldn't wait to share the news with BJ when he got home that night.

But he didn't share my enthusiasm. He was angry almost, feeling we were being robbed of time together in our new marriage. And while I understood his perspective, I couldn't understand why he couldn't also see the blessing we were being given and it hurt. Rather than talking through our individual feelings about it, we just went through the motions for months as we first confirmed the viable pregnancy with the doctor and then proceeded to go to all of our prenatal care checks. We decorated the nursery together, we picked names, we did everything you do when you're preparing for a baby with your spouse. We had moments of happiness and excitement, but mostly, we continued through the months with two very different feelings about this pregnancy and were not talking about it in a healthy way. He was there, he was present, but he wasn't. And I was hurt more and more each day, crying a lot a first, but then it started building resentment, and eventually, anger, and it caused me to start to withdraw around the seven month mark.

The last three months of the pregnancy were particularly hard on me. I got HUGE with extra weight and was swelling so bad at work throughout the day that my toes couldn't even touch the ground. I was coming home from work and cooking dinner for Kylia and BJ, cleaning on the weekends, and was dog tired. BJ was working a ton of overtime at work and helped with Kylia as much as he could, but we weren't making time for each other. I would go to bed with him every night, but would only last a few hours and then have to get up and move, and usually ended up on the couch so as not to wake him from the constant tossing and turning.

And that's how it was that July night in 2010. I had been up most of the night with killer back pain. I was lying on the couch on my side dozing off and on, watching Yes Man, chuckling softly to myself as Jim Carey taped up his face with Scotch tape and waggled his fingers 'hello.' I had the sudden urge to pee, as usual, and stood to go to the restroom. And that's when I felt the dam break and my water broke. I stood there for a moment shocked for a second time in this pregnancy. They had broken my water in the hospital when I had had Kylia, so this was something I had yet to experience. Then the realization of what really happened hit me, and I called out for BJ. He came running into the room moments after my call, making sure I was okay, and immediately jumped into action when I informed him of what was happening. He gently woke Kylia, grabbed the hospital bag and led us to the car as I called my mom and dad to let them know that we were heading to the hospital. It was 12 AM exactly.

We were expecting a quick birth. You know that saying that the second and subsequent births are quicker than the first? Well, Kylia had been six and half hours start to finish. This one should come fast if that was the case. But, true to form with this pregnancy, that did not happen. I was in active labor for 14.5 hours before we were blessed with our son, Eli. He measured 7 pounds, 6 ounces, 22 1/2 inches long. And we were both so happy and in love the moment we saw his sweet face and big, blue eyes.

Eli - One day old

Once we got home from the hospital with him, we fell into somewhat of a routine. Life with two kids was different, but not too bad, even getting up every two hours, while I was off work. But once I went back to work full time, it was exhausting. BJ worked a ton of overtime, as usual and I was trying my best to work, take care of Kylia and Eli when I got home and on weekends, clean, cook and still be up every couple hours with Eli for feedings. He slept horribly, and therefore, so did we. Between work, the house and the kids, plus pure exhaustion, BJ and I still weren't getting quality time together and we still weren't talking about the wedge that started to come between us when I got pregnant and was continuing to push its way through.

And another one...

Kayden (5) and BJ (28)

One day in late fall, BJ got a phone call from his past. It was his ex-sister in-law. She informed him that due to unforeseen circumstances, his son, Kayden, was in temporary custody with her. Child services was allowing Kayden to stay with her until BJ could get there to take physical custody. BJ was a ecstatic. I was terrified to become a step parent (even though I hate that term). What if this child that I was willing to open my heart to and love as my own did not like me and resisted a relationship with me? Selfishly, I was not looking forward to that. But I would also never turn my back on a child and I was happy for BJ that he had a chance to have his son again. So, he booked a flight and went to see him and to discuss custody arrangements. Just a few short months later, and we had him home with us in January of 2011. In a matter of months, we went from one child, to three kids - ages 10, 5, and infant. Whoa.

BJ (28) with all three of his children - Kylia (10), Kayden (5), Eli (7 months)

Life got pretty crazy after that. Both BJ and I with full-time jobs, two kids in school and the baby in daycare. Not getting home until 5:30 each night and still dealing with homework, dinner, baths, bedtimes and Eli STILL not sleeping well. We went on like that for three and a half years, Eli still not sleeping and getting more and more wound up like a bee on a string and showing signs of aggression over the simplest things. BJ has ADHD and so we had our suspicions, but I also saw signs of what I thought could be Autism. His pediatrician at the time agreed with the ADHD, but did not feel he was autistic. My gut kept telling me different, but, stupidly, I ignored it since the professional said otherwise. We did early intervention as the aggression and impulsivity were out of control.

Then the phone calls from daycare started. He was starting to bite and hit. But only the assistants, not the children. At home, he'd get frustrated or angry over the simplest things and start yelling and throwing out of control fits, to the point that our little four year old was literally ripping and THROWING his mattress from his bed. It started getting to the point that I was getting phone calls four times a week at work and was having to leave early to pick him up because he was hitting or biting staff and having huge meltdown crying and yelling fits. My attendance at work was suffering and that caused me a HUGE amount of anxiety, as that was not me.

BJ and I talked and brainstormed what we could do about it, but we kept coming down to one answer only...I was going to have to quit my job and become a stay at home mom. He was so out of control, but too young to give any sort of medication to yet. His pediatrician (again - should have trusted my gut and got a second opinion) made the comment to us at one point which helped make our decision, "They aren't going to let him into school like that." I would have to quit my job and *duh, duh, duh* home school him.

SAHM Club...

So we did just that. I quit my job that I had been with for almost a decade and became a stay at home mom to care for our children and our home, and to school our youngest, out of control, son. It was terrifying to do, but also a completely new challenge that I eagerly and happily entered into. BJ on the other hand, accepted that it was a necessary step we had to take and only agreed to it because we had no other choice really.

We kept on like this for three and a half years. Eli's meltdowns continued. Early intervention didn't help. The few medications he was able to take for his ADHD as he grew didn't help, some making the aggression worse. I kept asking about autism, as I had been hearing more and more about it. I understood that my son did not fit ALL of the symptoms, but he fit most. At the very least, he was high functioning, I was sure of it. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, as he had long since started hitting me, and I got him a referral to our regional services center to be assessed when he was seven and a half years old. The results? They were both reassuring, as they confirmed my gut instinct all along - he did, in fact, have high functioning autism and ADHD, but also a shock. The assessing doctor also identified possible psychosis tendencies and referred Eli to a psychiatrist for further assessment and observation.

His psychiatrist agreed with the regional services doctor. She also believed that Eli had a third co-morbidity of Bi-Polar Disorder, based on a strong family history, but explained that we really wouldn't know for sure until his brain fully developed into adulthood. That diagnosis was a hard pill to swallow at first. That family history? Yeah, it was my father's side. My father I never knew and honestly never wanted to. Three generations back of history and now my son as well. This could not be happening.

Between the stress of raising the children, Eli's rages and meltdowns and trying to keep my marriage in one piece, I felt like I was being pulled in a million directions. I felt myself spiraling. At first it started with the spinning thoughts and staying up all night. Then I couldn't eat anything, literally having physical pain if I tried to put any solids into my body. I dropped weight to an unhealthy level. I looked anorexic. After my doctor ran the tests to rule out any medical reason for my symptoms and everything coming back clear, he made the gentle suggestion that I be evaluated by a psychiatrist myself.

I started with a therapist. A wonderfully kind man, who helped me for quite a few years. He suggested I see a psychiatrist as well, because he felt a small dose of an anti-anxiety or anti-depression medication may be beneficial to me. So I did. The first couple medications they tried for depression and anxiety didn't do anything at all to me. Then they gave me a medication that caused me to spiral BIG TIME. I could barely get out of bed, and was crying almost constantly. I was screaming and yelling at everyone in anger, then crying and apologizing constantly. I was stressed, I was tired, and the medication made me feel funny. Then one day, I snapped. I couldn't take it anymore. And I tried to end my own life in the bathtub.

Luckily, BJ could tell something was wrong and got in to me in time. It was decided that I would be admitted. I was only there four days. But those were the longest, scariest four days of my life and I left there with something of my own to swallow. I, too, was diagnosed Bi-Polar. How could I have missed this? While I did take my medication diligently and attended my therapy sessions weekly, I hated this new knowledge about me and spent quite awhile learning everything I could about it...secretly hoping they were wrong. But the more I learned, the more things from my past made sense. Shit.

Time marches on...

As I said, I did take my medication and attended therapy regularly. I did want to "get better." But the fact remained, I was still struggling. We didn't have me dialed in yet. BJ was terrified to leave me alone after what had happened with me and my mom felt similar. I was also, at this point, still trying to home school Eli, as well as Kylia at that point, and I was driving across town three times a day to assist my Grammy, while mom, her usual caretaker, worked full time.

Because of my recent diagnosis, their need to "watch me," Eli's needs, schooling, my grandmother's needs, normal financial and daily struggles, my mom, dad, BJ and I discussed in length and finally decided that it just made sense if we all moved in together to support one another more easily. It really was a win win for both of us at the time. Dad and I would be there during the day to help Grammy and me. I would be able to continue to school the children, as that had become very important to me by this point in life. Coming from California, it helped both of us financially. So, almost 10 years to the day after BJ and I moved into our first home together, we were closing it up for the new owner's and heading across town to the monstrosity of a home we purchased together with my parents.

And that's where we'd lived for the last six and a half years. It has been a blessing and a challenge at times. It was always beautiful, though. Over the last six and a half years, I got to live not only with the love of my life and my children and watch each of them grow and age and change, but I also had the blessing of time with my parents and my grandmother, watching them do the same. I was able to watch my daughter move out for the first time with her friends. I was given the blessing of being able to home school, even for a time, all three of my children. I was able to see Kayden to move off to Ohio with his mom bravely and prepared to take on the world. I saw my mom retire and watched the years of stress just melt away from her and watch her begin to find her new norm in life. I was incredibly blessed being able to care for and love my children, husband, mother, father, and Grammy daily for six and a half years. There were plenty of bad days, just like in anyone else's family - especially with four generations living under one room in this day and age - but there were definitely more good days, and those are the memories I choose to hold onto as BJ and I, along with Eli and Kylia, move on to our new adventure in life...

Where ya goin'?

Over late summer 2024, BJ and I talked a lot. It was time. We'd been talking about it for forever - moving to Florida to be closer to his family. It had just never been the right time. But it felt time now. Mom was home full time with Grammy now that she'd retired, so there really was no need for me on a daily basis to help in that regard. Kylia and Kayden had both moved out and Eli had been gaining a lot more control over himself with maturity, therapies and time. I myself had been doing much better and was in much more control over myself. We finally found ourselves strong enough to do this and the timing just felt right.

First, we had the discussion with my parents about it. At first, it didn't come out right and there were hurt feelings involved. But once we moved past that and started working together, it became exciting, even if bittersweet. At the end of October, we set our move date. BJ knew it was time to move on from his job he'd been with for 17 years. He had been out on disability for his back and shoulder again because of the strain of the job on his body. He needed to switch gears and find something that would be a little easier on him physically. Plus, we wanted land. We wanted to get ourselves out into the country and have fresh air and the freedom to raise animals and start a garden. To become more self-sufficient. We wanted somewhere peaceful for our kids to come home to and we wanted that for ourselves, as well as we continued to creep ever closer to his retirement age.

So, on December 16, 2024, we set out across the country as a family of four driving a big box truck towing one car and the other following behind. Those stories are for another, very comical post, but let's just say, we made it in one piece and are now here in Florida, surrounded by family, searching for our little plot of dirt. And things are always bright in Florida...

Thanks for reading our story!! - Brian and Jessica